Hum Do, Hamare Do

A friend, who has a 7 year old child, is in a dilemma – whether to plan for a second child or not. As a father of two kids aged 8 and 3, I have rather strong (and some of you may find, surprising) views on the subject. I am putting them down here, and hope they trigger a chain of thought in you as well.

Of late, there has been a growing (and disturbing, in my opinion) trend among the educated, urban elite to go for only one child. A random check among more than 50 of my friends who are a parent show more than 60 % of them have only one child. This is in sharp contrast to the trend a generation back. Most of these friends themselves have atleast one sibling, but now when it is their turn to ‘deliver’ (literally!), they have stopped at one, giving no such privilege (of having a sibling) to their own child.

 I have heard people give all sorts of reasons on why they don’t want to plan for a second child. “Raising one child itself is too much for me! Look at my kid, she never listens to anyone! I can’t even think of having two!” is a common refrain.  Others want to “give their best” to their child, and so don’t want to have two, thinking that their energies will get divided if they have two kids, and leave deficiencies in their parental responsibilities. Or perhaps, it sounds “hep” and fashionable to have only one child, does it? Does it make a statement that you have “arrived”? Mind you, I am talking about the well educated, double income (often), urban middle and upper class, the well heeled, who have no financial constraints in raising a second child, and yet opt for only one. Why should they not give their child a privilege that their own parents were kind enough to give them?

What happens if you have two kids at home instead of one? Sure, there are some sacrifices involved, especially in the first couple of years of child birth. The would-be mother has to undergo nine months of pregnancy again, and after the child is born, you have to take some extra precautions and restrict your movements around for some time.  The housework goes up, and you might need an extra maid for a couple of years till the child is in its infancy. But these are minor inconveniences, when you consider the benefits that last a lifetime.

When the kids are young and growing, having a sibling at home brings immense benefits. They play with each other, learn to share, compete, even quarrel and then play again. They take care of each other, provide each other company, leaving the parents free to do their own thing. My elder daughter, who is eight years old, readies her younger one for school.  When they grow up, having an extended family only adds to one’s universe of love and affection. Think about it.

Two little emperors better than one!

What are the effects of a child being single on the child’s personality and emotional development? Researchers have studied this for decades, and the subject has attracted widespread attention and debate, especially in China where it is known as the “Little Emperor Syndrome”. A whole generation of Chinese “singletons”, born after the one-child norm was introduced for urban adults in 1979, are now in their youth. Some researchers have reported extreme pressure on these “Little Emperors” (typically, single child of well-to-do parents) to excel in education and elsewhere, and extreme pampering resulting in “stunting of social and emotional growth”. Some have reported these children are “....being over-indulged, lacking self discipline and having no adaptive capabilities”. In March 2007, some 30 delegates in the Chinese People's Political Consultative Conference (CPPCC) called on the government to abolish the one-child rule, attributing their beliefs to "social problems and personality disorders in young people". But some other researchers have reported “no reliable differences between only children and those with siblings”. Some in the West claim single kids “mature early” and are “more achievement oriented”, pressured as they are from their parents for fulfilling their own unfulfilled dreams. (Information in this paragraph sourced from Wikipedia)

Whatever the truth, I do not see ‘single’ children benefiting in any significant way from the so-called ‘extra’ care and attention given to them as a result of their being the only child of their parent. Clearly, love and affection does not reduce if you divide it into two! Benefits of having a sibling thus appear to far outweigh the disadvantages (if any at all) of having one. I see no reason why today’s well educated, double income, upper class, urban elite should deprive their child of a brother or a sister.

Adoption – a primer

A friend of mine adopted a child recently.

Given the lack of awareness about this extremely important and sensitive subject, I thought of putting in a few lines on this subject. I hope this article will be of help to those who have been thinking about adopting a child but have not yet taken the first step, as also to those who have not, but need to!

Let’s face it; a family is incomplete without a child. Kids make a home come alive. The crying, the laughing, the running around, the playfulness, the joy of watching them grow up – there’s nothing like it. The joy that you get, when your child comes running to you and gives a sweet hug as you step into your home in the evening is unparalleled. It makes the whole day’s hard work worthwhile. Why earn money if you have no one to pass it on to?

There was a time when the number of children a couple had would make a cricket team. Both my parents have siblings running into double digits.  Not all of them are alive, in fact, some of them passed away in their youth. But many survived, giving us a big, large extended family.

But times are changing. Educated urban couples are earning more and more money, but producing less and less children. Having three kids is a rarity these days, even two is becoming rare. Most of my friends have just one child. Some have none.

There could be various reasons for this trend – increase in infertility caused by changing lifestyles, working women intentionally postponing pregnancy for the sake of career, late marriages (often second or third ones) or a desire to avoid pregnancy simply to retain that perfect physical figure may be some of the reasons why women may avoid pregnancy. This is of course in addition to the natural medical reasons occurring in either of the spouses causing failure to conceive or deliver.

Whatever the reason, adoption is a solution that many ought to consider.

Regulatory framework

In India, adoption is a subject that comes under the Hindu Adoption & Maintenance Act, 1956. This Act applies to Hindus, Jains, Sikhs and Buddhists. For others, such as Muslims, Christians, etc. adoption is governed by the Guardians & Wards Act, 1890, under which the parent is only the Guardian of the child till she reaches 18 years of age.

The Central Adoption & Resource Agency (CARA), an autonomous body under the Ministry of Women & Child Development of the Government of India is mandated to regulate Adoptions. The Central Government has notified guidelines, which specify that adoptions should be processed only by Government recognized Adoption Agencies. There are more than 300 such Adoption Agencies available all over the country. Any couple desirous of adopting a child can approach them and get enrolled. Last year, around six thousand children were adopted in the country. Recently, the Central Government put the entire process of adoption on an online platform. A national database is being created of the children up for adoption and the number of parents wanting to legally adopt.

Who can Adopt

Any married couple, whether having their own biological child or not, is eligible to adopt a child, subject to other eligibility conditions being satisfied. A single female, having completed 21 years of age, is also eligible to adopt, though a single male is usually not. For a child less than one year of age to be adopted, the combined age of both the parents must not exceed 90 years, and neither parent must be more than 45 years of age.

The child

Adoption Agencies maintain an inventory of children who are available for adoption. These children come to them from various sources, such as children found abandoned at birth by parents, or children willingly given away by parents to the Adoption Agency for some reason. Reasons for the later could be the child being illegitimate and not being ‘acceptable’ to the couple, or death of one or both the parents in an accident, or if the biological parent(s) thinks they will not be able to raise the child properly due to poor financial conditions or any other reason. In some cases, the Agency knows the identity of the biological parents of the child, in some cases it may not. In any case, the identity of the biological parents and adopted parents is kept strictly secret from each other. This ensures that there are no problems later on, when the child grows up.

The Adoption process

The interested couple needs to approach a recognized Adoption Agency and register themselves. One can also register with more than one Agency, if necessary. In the application, the interested couple has to give all the details not just of their name and address, but also employment, income, family background, references etc and satisfy the Adoption Agency of their genuineness and ability to raise the child. The Adoption Agency checks the antecedents of the couple, conducts detailed interviews with the couple and even with the references. It satisfies itself that the couple is financially sound and emotionally stable and can raise the child properly.

The couple can choose whether they want a boy or a girl, giving appropriate justification. They can also specify other preferences such as a particular age group, skin colour, special features etc. However, more the conditions one specifies, the more difficult it is to find a suitable match. It is heartening to note that the number of couples choosing girls is more than those opting for boys.

When the child is identified (and even before), the Adoption Agency performs a lot of counselling and provides training to the adopting parent(s). It is natural that the prospective parents have a lot of questions in their mind – Who is this child? What is her background? Will she ‘gel’ in our family when she grows up? Will she be healthy? It is upto the Agency to speak to the prospective parents and give them the confidence to go ahead with the decision.

As part of its adoption obligations, the adopting couple needs to create a fund in the name of the child and deposit specified money in it at regular intervals. An alternate “guardian” also needs to be given, who will “inherit” the child in the unfortunate event of the death of both the adopting parents before the child grows up.

Even after the adoption process is complete, the Adoption Agency performs regular checks to see that the commitments given by the parents are met and in the event of not being satisfied, can take the child back. After observing for a period of more than three to six months, the Agency can clear the child for adoption and only then, the court passes a final order completing the Adoption. After that, the parents can apply for the birth certificate of the child with their names mentioned as ‘parents’ on it. The Adoption Agency will continue to visit the child to see that she is taken good care of, for a period of 10 years from the time of adoption. An important aspect of raising the child is that as the child grows up, she is gradually told that she is adopted and not the biological child of the parents. This ensures that she does not get an emotional shock when she grows up, if she learns the truth from some other sources.

Conclusion

As mentioned above, the number of couples without a child, either out of choice or otherwise, is on the rise. On the other hand, our country also has a large number of children, who deserve a better life, but are not able to get it for no fault of theirs. In such a case, adopting a child meets the needs of both, the child and the parents, and makes life worthwhile. For educated urban couples who can afford a child or two, the joys and pleasures of having a child at home far exceed the pain and costs of it. While population control is a priority in a country like India, it needs to happen at the bottom of the pyramid, not at the top of it. But that is a topic I will reserve for another day!